I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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