Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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