I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
50% drunk capacity currently
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
