How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
