there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
