At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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