I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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