I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
