Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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