That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Pooping to opera.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
