I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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