Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
