He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
