somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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