Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my shit smells like andre
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
