Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
