There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
