Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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