I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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