3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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