I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
