Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
