You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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