Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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