The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
