i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Randomize
