I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
