so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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