nut hugger
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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