My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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