it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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