she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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