When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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