she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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