Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm having to shit out rocks
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
