look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
