I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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