So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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