i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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