Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
