I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
