shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
