I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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