I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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