She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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