If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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