...so i touched it.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
