Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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