I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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