Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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