Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
