Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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