I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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