I wish my penis had an off switch
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We left the knife in your bed.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize