I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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