You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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