just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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