Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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