he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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