Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
