So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
