And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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