ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
