Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
