What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
