you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize