Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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